


Through the rabbit hole

by lionbaby



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Break Up, Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:46:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6636019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionbaby/pseuds/lionbaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>minseok buys a ticket to venice.</p><p>(breakup au; where minseok has an existential crisis, and luhan falls through the cracks.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Against the hard tides,

**Author's Note:**

> wrote this back in 2014

The first thing Minseok does when Luhan storms out the house is to book a ticket to Venice. He doesn't think twice about it before tapping the destination and the flight date - tomorrow morning - in the travel service's reservation. He doesn't check the flight back but reserves a nice room from a hostel close to the Rialto's Bridge and makes sure it's on the top level, just in case. Italy will be good, he thinks before shutting the computer and falling on the king sized bed with Manchester United bed sheets that Luhan Gmarketed the week before.

" What's wrong with the normal sheets? " he had wondered after coming home from work to find Luhan in his crisp navy suit fumbling with the bed. His tie was hanging loose on his neck.  
" Nothing, I just thought these were nicer," he had said back and disappeared into the bed sheets. His ash blonde hair was tousled from the struggle. Minseok had reached over to take the sheets from him, put them on the bed and tied his tie. Then he had given a sweet kiss on his lips before getting to the remains of their bed while Luhan sheepishly looked from the sides. He never really knew what to do around the house.

Then Minseok had hurried Luhan to his job and listened for half an hour the whining about his unconvinient office hours, kissed some more and listened how he would rather be with him than in a dead end job dealing with unlucky cases.

A month later Minseok tells him we need to talk," and doesn't crack a smile when Luhan tells a dry joke about breaking up.

-

Italy is nice, Minseok ponders again when he arrives to the airport. It's humid in a way that Seoul isn't and the air is fresher than in Korea. He boards a bus that drives him pass countless of tiny houses with their own garden plots and he thinks for a spilt second how it would be nice to have one in their house too.

He stops himself too late, already slipping back to Seoul,Gangnam, to their nice three bedroom apartment on the third level with a glasswindow balcony because Luhan's acrophobia was getting worse. His parents had laughed when he told them where they were moving because for one freshly out of lawschool and one barista, renting a high end apartment wasn't realistic. "It's just a phase, he's just a rich boy," they used to tell him. He bets his mum would be happy to hear the nine year long "phase" is now over.

Getting angry at his own thoughts, he fumbles his backpack to find his iTouch. Only the volume on full, Verbal Jint loud in his ears, he can stop thinking.

The drive takes an hour and leaves Minseok in the middle of a bus station. The driver refused to talk in English, only giving directions in Italy and aggressive hand signs that made more sense than the syllabes he was spitting from his mouth. Minseok says a shy grazias which makes the driver beam at him. He heads to the direction he thinks is the way to Venice's gates.

It's pictorial and breathtaking when he actually makes it, canals floating beside the streets and bridges crossing every now and then. The sky is clear, not a cloud on a view. It's perfect and Minseok takes a quick picture of it instead of telling someone who's not there how beautiful Venice is.

After more aggressive hand signs and fluent quick Italian, he finds the hostel and barely stops himself from storming in, relieved and happy to find a place to dump his suitcase and backpack to. The girl at the reseption smiles sweetly as she gives him the key to his room.

His room is decorated in deep red like the rest of the hostel from bed sheets to carpet. The furniture looks old and the bed creacks when he sits down, but it's all fine to him as he looks at the view from his window. It opens enough for Minseok to climb on the edge of the white roman styled building, to dangle his legs over the water. He dozes off to kid's noisy voices, playing football on the streets and doesn't dream of ManU sheets or shaking hands holding a coffee mug.

-

"Do you even know anything about Italy? Or anything about Europe in general? You'll get robbed, you look stupid enough to get robbed,"

Jongdae's voicemail fills his room as he unpacks, carefully picking out the toiletteries and placing them in the bathroom. He re-folds all his clothes and puts the nicer ones to hang on the hangers inside the closet. Jongdae blabbers about the dangers of travelling alone and Minseok wonders how Jongdae has any time to do this between his newly wed life and hectic job at the hospital. It takes him seven minutes and five seconds, and for Minseok to change into clean clothes, before he mentions Luhan.

"I heard he's staying at Yifan's place now. Is everything okay?"

Jongdae does a long pause before saying his regards and keep cares and hangs up. Minseok shuts the power off from his phone and throws it to the suitcase. He makes sure the wallet and other necessities are with him, opens the door and goes out to face the night of Venice.

Rialto's market is filled with people as he blends in with the sea of shoppers. Most of the stuffs are cheap nock off products that are familiar in the streets of Seoul too, so he heads to a nearby bar for drinks and food.

He's sitting on the outside terrace, a beer and a pizza ordered as he ponders over Jongdae's words. Slow, soothing music fills his ears just as his pizza arrives, stopping his coming brainstorm effectively.

Halfway through the pizza he realizes it's funny to eat alone after all these years sharing a life with Luhan. How funny it is that Luhan's not next to him right now, eating out of his plate and drinking way too much than he can handle. How funny it is that he's experiencing new things and the only way to share all the beautiful things with someone even relatively listening is his camera, which captures all wonders and sadly, also reminds him how lonely it truly is after nine years of breathing the same air. And how funny it is how nine years were supposed to be forever, but really, he never were a romantic person to begin with.

He gets drunk first time in three years and tells himself it's because he doesn't have to stay sober to take care of someone else, but really it's just to dull the rushing emotions of regret and hurt floading in his veins. And he knows it too, because every action starts from acknowledging the emotions raging inside. He vaguely sees a note stucked in the crook of his door when he gets back but doesn't bend down to read it.

-

The first time he got a taste of Luhan's existence was after a football game. The colleges they attented were sport rivals, something an acting major like Minseok never understood but still loyally attended the events from the start of his first year till he graduated. Jongin with wind blown black hair had yelled Minseok to come down to meet the other players, his cheeks adorably pink from all the running and kicking.

Someone named Luhan from the other team was being hugged for making the winning score and Minseok had looked over and thought oh.

-

The breakfast time had way passed when he groggily got up to sit on the bed. He spends twenty minutes sitting there, and only gets up when the meme of a trashy fox sitting on the edge of its bed pops to his mind.

After getting freshened up and popping the window open for freah air, he goes back to his suitcase to find a map of Venice. His phone, powerless, is still laying innocently at the bottom of it and he gives up to the temptation and presses to power up.

It rings five or seven times, informing the phone call and text messages cost inside Europe. No voice mails from Jongdae or anyone else. No texts from other than the phone company.

He doesn't let the disappointment wash over because he didn't have a right to feel disappointed to begin with, not with the way he left without a word for Luhan, only telling his parents there's no need for the weekly meetings for awhile now. He told them it was a job thing. Italians drink coffee, it was believeable. He wonders what Luhan had said about it when calling to ask where his boyfriend- now ex- were or if he had called at all.

-

There are many churches in Venice, Minseok decides after crossing the fourth one off the map. He's sitting on a bench in the middle of Piazza San Marco, as a bunch of kids run over the square, chasing each other playing tag. He cracks a small smile when a boy falls flat on his face, then gets up as fast as he fell before the tag could get him.

He gets cicchetti and wine from an trattoria that makes his hangover feel less bad and picks up pieces of bread to nibble on as he makes it to see the Grand Canal.

As he rides a Vaporetto and passes the most brilliant mix of sunset against the water, he can't help but to wish there were someone next to him, most likely pressing a shy kiss to the corner of his lips when people aren't paying attention.

He doesn't take a single photo of the ride and has to assure the driver that it was indeed lovely but lately he's been trying to fall out of love and everything's slowly starting to clear out and he feels like drowning.

-

The first time Luhan got a taste of his existence, he didn't have any idea who he was. It was at a college party (like it always is) and Luhan, who has never been a responsible drinker, had decided to flop down on the floor, head dizzy and coordination fucked. His teammates walked pass him, maybe patted his head at the familiar sign.

Minseok had hailed him up and taken him outside to get some air, then passed him another beer as Luhan had sobered, enough to remember Minseok's face the next morning.

-

There's another papernote stuck to his door when he gets back with a bottle of wine and pastries on his hand. He kicks the note into his room and manages to open the door hands full of groceries.

He finds the first note, crumbled from his footsteps, on the floor and picks it up as he snatches the new one to his other hand. Both of them are in cursive Italian and it takes Minseok a minute to not crumble them in frustration.

He still crumbles them when he figures it doesn't really matter and the staff will tell him the matter if it's important enough to stuck between his door.

Italian tvshow from the room next to his blasts through the night. Minseok doesn't really sleep, but stays covered under the sheets.

-

Jongin calls him a week after his arrival. He talks with his custom shy voice which happens when he's feeling uncertain and restless. So Minseok wasn't really surprised of what Jongin says after the greetings.

"Luhan-hyung is thinking of moving back to Beijing,"

Minseok's sitting outside the window, looking down how his toes wiggle over the canals and thinks how Luhan would get fidgety even in an elevator.

"Is he going to go by train or by foot, because last time I checked airplanes go pretty high," Minseok tries to make the atmosphere lighter. Seoul is crashing Venice down.

Jongin's not amused.  
"Why- I mean- You guys were fine, right? Then suddenly you are in Venezuela and Luhan's trying to rent out the apartment and considering a place from his father's company,"

"I'm in Venice, Jongin. And great for him, his father's company is huge. I think it'll be good for him,"

"No, all you're thinking is stupid fake reasons to stay away from Seoul," Jongin exhales furiously to the speaker.  
"And all Luhan-hyung's trying to do is survive from the shitstorm you threw at him, "

"Don't talk to me like that,"  
"I'll talk to you like you're a hyung when you fucking get over yourself and come out of hiding,"

Jongin hangs up before Minseok can scold him more and it leaves him with so many thoughts that can only be drowned by a bottle of wine and sleep. He pours a glass and drinks it while the sun sets down in the horizon and he feels dull and sour and hurt but apologetic over everything else.

-

The first time Luhan asked him out happened a month after the party. The morning after he had gone over to Minseok's campus to find and thank him. After finding Minseok sitting in the middle of jungle props with a bundle of fake grass draped around his body, promptly suffering from a familiar hangover that Luhan was feeling in the back if his head, they started to go on study sessions. It never made sense, since acting and law was completely different things and acting majors mostly didn't carry a book around, so usually Minseok just doodled on Luhan's notebooks for three hours while Luhan studied. Jongin had called them "play dates".

Day after Minseok's 21st birthday they had one of their study sessions at the library. Minseok had a hoodie on to hide his sagging eyebags and tousled hair from the party last night. He tried to supress the disappointment over the fact Luhan didn't come and tries to find a way to tell him it's okay, they're not best friends or anything really. And how ridiculous it was the way all emotions packed up and ganged against him when it was Luhan.

So, he's in the middle of giving himself a talk, deeply in thoughts when Luhan walks over and stands in front of him. Minseok vaguely remembers thinking he looks kind of freezed and then, with both hands in his pockets looking so so shy and insecure, he said;

"I like you. Would you go out with me,"

And he stops biting his lips to smile at Minseok's hurried yeah, sure - I mean - yes.

-

Minseok remembers their first date differently than Luhan remembers it. It was supposed to be on the day before Luhan's big exam but he had to cancel in order to study for it, genuinely upset and apologizing way too much. Jongdae, Minseok's college roommate back then had wondered if it's a chinese thing when the sixth text came over.

When Minseok appears to Luhan's door step while listening to him blabber sorrys and i make it up i promise over the phone, he realizes how stressful it is for law students. Luhan, in old joggers and a flanel shirt, unshaven coupled with messy curly locks, hides his face behind his hands from embarrassment.

"I had plans to see you today and I'm going to make it happen," Minseok had said and removed Luhan's hands. Then he spent four hours pacing in Luhan's dorm room while he studied and two hours to realize Luhan had fallen asleep on the desk.

Luhan thinks their first date was the one after, but Minseok thinks he's right because that's the day he understood all the emotions raging inside of him and started to take action.

-

The fourth note appears in the middle of the night, the shuffling of paper against door startling him wake. He gets up to see how the paper is being wiggled inside and listens how the staff whistles as he walks away, back to his job.

He gives a stare at the paper and doesn't want to acknowledge the fact he had just thrown human emotions on an inanimate object. Shivering from the slight night coldness, he drapes the blanket on his body before scrunching down to snatch the paper off the ground.

It's in Italian again, which doesn't faze him but still makes him a little frustrated. He starts to overthink the possibilities of the message, if he's being warned or threatened and stops when he hears Luhan's mocking laugh in his head.

"It takes a pretty big guy to break in," Luhan had said on the night they moved in together, Minseok worrying the safety of the block.

And he wonders what an act of bravery was it from him to travel across the globe alone or was it just ignorance that gave the push for it. Either way, he's here and he's there and there's nothing to change that anymore.

-

The breakup wasn't a spontaneous thought. In fact, for nine years Minseok had never thought a breakup was in for this relationship, had never even entertained the thought of having someone's else arms draped across his chest in the dead of night or going to impromptu coffee dates with, when Luhan was sleep deprived from overwork and Minseok's brewing the third cup of coffee to him as he tries to stay awake, arms drooped on the bar counter and face smashed between them.

The first trigger that opened the fire was his sister. The Kim's had weekly family dinners which Luhan refused to go to and his parents were secretly relieved to know of, so they could act like Minseok was a normal 20something. They saw Luhan as a tumor, growing on Minseok that made him a complete different person.

His sister's first born was a delightful sight, cheeks like apples and hands like little sugarcanes. She held her and fed her and teached Minseok how to hold her and feed her and then in the background of the diner, he hears their mother say "her nose is just like her father's", and it starts a wave of thoughts that would storm his mind through the whole week.

Because their child will never have the same eyes as Luhan and never have the same mouth as his. And it disappoints him and leaves him like a crash in the middle of a motorway - in bits and wounds. And the only way to stop is to crash.

-

On the third week he gets a call from his mother. She asks him when he'll intend to come back and how's the job going around. Minseok hops to sit on the edge of his window, phone dangling between his shoulder and ear as he gets comfortable against the hard marble.

" It's been amazing, I've learned a lot. I think I might stay for a little longer to really get into this coffee culture,"

He doesn't tell her he hasn't drank coffee once in Italy because all they have are espresso shots and americanos, both leaving a bitter taste on his tongue of someone else.

-

The first big fight they had was over an ikea sofa. It was bright yellow and hideous and Minseok hated it and Luhan hated it but back then, they were both out of money after paying the necessities of their apartment. Luhan had a line of interviews for the next few weeks and Minseok, well, had his job behind the counter.

The fight of the ugly ikea sofa had blown up, going from we should just wait till we have saved enough money to buy furnitures that are worth of money to are you saying we shouldn't be moving in together because Minseok -- and ended up with both of them sitting on the other sides of their livingroom, angry and frustrated, the sofa between them.

Minseok had gotten up and left, kicking a box of Luhan's stupid things on his way and didn't explain to Jongdae why he spent the first night of his and Luhan's life together on Jongdae's normal beige sofa.

-

He spots a money transfer from a familiar account on his bank when he checks to see how money he has left. The amount is 1000€ which is ridiculous because the food is cheap and the room he's sleeping in from the affordable side too. He sneaks in to the big old renaissance library to try to find a computer. Lately he has gathered enough courage to wander into old buildings, the renaissance walls not as intimidating as before.

He finds a computer in a PC hall that reminds him of school classrooms. The internet is slow and laggy, but he manages to log in his bank account, despite the italian language once again barricading his lingual abilities.

The transfer doesn't have the name of the sender, but has a short message under the extra info box:

Think things through and don't regret.

He logs off and clears the internet history before leaving the building even more confused.

The list of people who could have sent the money is not a long one, he ponders over food in a trattoria next to Grand Canal. It was nearing the sunset and he had been thinking and regretting not taking a single photo of it, so he came back.

It could be Luhan, he thinks. But it didn't make sense because his and Minseok's accounts were joined, so the sender's name was always viewable. To add in, he never told Luhan where he went and it wasn't like him to do something like this without confronting Minseok first. Why Venice? For how long, for what? he would ask. Is it going to help? and good god Minseok wouldn't know how to answer that because Luhan was his first love and he didn't know how to fall out of it, just like that.

-

He doesn't get the photo taken because the brainstorming over the extra money had occupied all his thoughts and before he realized, the sun had already went to sleep.

He buys a couple of bracelets from the street vendor for his sister and her husband. Rain caughts him on his way back to the hostel, managing to wet him from head to toe. He takes off his shirt as soon as he gets inside his room, afraid of catching a cold. The shirt falls on the floor along with the rest of his clothes as he fills up a tub with hot water.

-

Their second date (in Luhan's opinion, the first one) was at a shadow theater. It was a student founded event, where students from the art apartment of his college had scripted and crafted a story of a puppy.

It was a simple plot with moments of laughs and jokes which compensated the sad ending that left the audience clapping uncertaintly.

"At least it was a Ferrari," Minseok had mumbled after stepping out of the theatre. The sun had been up and beaming, shining right at his eyes. Luhan had the same flannel shirt on from their last date. It made Minseok happy in a funny way.

"It still died though," Luhan had said and walked them to a café where they would spend forty minutes discussing the play and shyly look at each other for the rest of the day.

And then Luhan had walked him back to his dorm, smiled at him on his doorstep and said i like you like it was the first time he has ever said it to anyone. And Minseok had said i like you too and he had smiled some more, then left and Minseok thought oh.

-

The fifth paper note comes a week after the last one. Minseok finds it under his wet clothes after coming our of the tub. It's not different from other notes, expect the ink has smeared across the paper, leaving black lines all over it.

He rumbles it like he did for all the other ones and throws it to the bin. Italian tvshows make as much sense as they did four weeks ago and he can't believe this is the longest time he have been away from Luhan.

-

The fight over the ugly ikea sofa was sorted when Minseok had come back after his morning shift in the cafe. Luhan had been walking around the apartment and rushed over to the door when it opened. The sofa was still in the package and all their boxes were still in the places where they had left them and Minseok didn't really know what he expected to see.

Sometimes Luhan surprised him, like that one time he had driven them to a seaworld, and the other time when he had appeared in front of Minseok's parent's house and introduced himself as "Minseok's friend" even though he hated to hide the fact he was in love with him but knew Minseok was terrified to tell his parents. Sometimes, even before getting official, Minseok thought how Luhan was really good to him and how he had started to get used to it.

"We can wait. We can wait untill we have the money saved up so we can make this place our home because I really really really want it to be our home and I want it to be okay if you still want it to be okay either way I really really really love you and want to start a life with you and now I'm afraid that's not something you've wanted and I've had the wrong idea and I'm sorry," he lets go of Minseok and takes a step back, a restless sea in his eyes as he waited Minseok to say something.

He opens his mouth and closes it, speechless of Luhan's words that he knows he has been lulling over the whole night from his triple eyelids and sullen cheeks. He takes one look at the ugly yellow sofa and Luhan's fidgety fingers on the helm of his shirt and says:  
"Fuck you, Luhan,"

"Fuck you," he repeats just to emphasize the first one and Luhan's quick to wrap him into a hug as he hides his face against his shoulders and tries to not cry because Luhan makes him feel all emotions like they are bullets, raw and heavy as they go through his body and Luhan's whispering sorrys into his ears.

They start their life together with an ugly yellow sofa in the middle of the livingroom, all of their other stuffs scattered on the floor and those were some of the happiest days of Minseok's life.

-

"He has left," is how Jongdae starts his voice mail. Minseok swears he takes a pause before continuing just for the dramatic effect.

" Luhan went back to Beijing last night. I don't know for how long but he mumbled something about his father's company. Has .. have you been in contact? Anyways, he asked me to send you the distinction contract of the apartment and other paperworks to sign. It's such a shame you know, it's a lovely apartment. Also, Jongin says hi and tells you to come back. I might add I did put it nicer than Jonginnie did. Text me your address so I can get rid of these things on my desk. Take care and also, do what Jongin said. He's getting wiser lately, "

The phone peeps for the end of the mail and leaves Minseok alone to the Venice's night. Luhan's father's company was huge. A successful one. One where Luhan will benefit from, unlike the dead end company he worked in Seoul. It's great, he tells himself. It's great that he's doing great and moving forward, getting rid of things that kept them together.

Selfishness, he decides, is what took him to Venice. He wouldn't have ever known what to do with the apartment.

He texts Jongdae the address and thinks where the yellow sofa will end up to.

-

The papers come in five days via air mail. A staff comes in the morning to knock on his door, and hands him a packet that says Seoul, South-Korea on the front. The boy clears his throat and gives Minseok a lift of brows, and he tips him 5€ and closes the door.

Expect the boy has something else to say too.

"Mister, you no getting notes? Notes? People calling us, want you to phone," he says in broken English that sounds like perfect English in Minseok's ears.

"Who has been calling?" he asks and gets people people from the boy.  
"I give you the number later," he promises and leaves Minseok to his papers.

It starts to feel like a divorce more than a break up when Minseok settles down to read the documents. He hadn't realized how much things they shared and how many things he has to start again when he returns to Seoul. Nine years worth of living to catch up, he thinks as he signs the distinction paper for their apartment and tries to avoid reading the reasons of distinction listed below.

The staff boy comes around the noon to give him a note with numbers on it. He explains in a mix of Italian and English that the man has called him twice, but as he hadn't reacted to the notices left on his door, they had been kept coming. Minseok pounders telling him he can't comprehend Italian. He also didn't know how to tell him that.

The number is unfamiliar to him, but it's from Seoul. He puts the note beside the documents and makes a mental note to call it later.

-

Minseok never really told him the reasons why he wanted to breakup, didn't really even know where to start since everything had stormed across his mind. They were like seeds, planting themselves in his brain and kept blossoming to bigger and bigger until Minseol had to stop them from overpowering his mind.

He remembers saying stuffs about future and what about in next ten years, will they still be together as Luhan and him and no one else. Luhan had half seriously said "we could get a dog" but they both knew what Minseok was getting around to say.

And the most disappointing thing about their whole breakup was Luhan saying little to nothing, almost giving up. Minseok hadn't know he was hoping, almost expecting Luhan to try to save it and it made him think maybe Luhan has been thinking about it too, maybe he has had enough of Seoul and wants to go back to home because as beautiful as Seoul is, it will never be as lovely as Beijing, like he had said on their graduation day, choosing between lawschools in Seoul and Beijing and at the end, Minseok had been an enough reason to stay in Seoul.

So, Luhan had said if that's what you want, looked Minseok's eyes and sat there, on the ugly yellow sofa in silence. Then he had picked up his suitcase and the red tie from the table and left to work.

-

He's dialing the number to his phone without any expectations who the caller is, but hoping it wouldn't be his boss. He told him it was a sick-leave and getting busted under these circumstances pretty much meant Minseok would be jobless when he returns to Seoul. Then he would be homeless and jobless and Jongdae would have to take him under his wings like it was college all over again expect there's no handsome football players going in and out of the apartment this time.

It rings five or six times before someone answers it, and it's no one Minseok had thought it would be.

"Enjoying your trip so far?" Yifan asked him in deep deep voice. There was paper shuffling in the background, and Minseok figures it's his work number.

"Why call the hostel and not my number?" he asks instead of answering.  
"And how you know where I'm staying?"

"I'm not the ceo of a massive travel agency for nothing. You literally booked the whole trip under my eyes. Have you seen the Grand Canal yet? Beautiful isn't it."

"What's up, Yifan?" Minseok cuts the chase. Yifan was Luhan's lawschool buddy. It was clear why he was calling.

"Listen Minseok, you're a real nice guy and I don't want to come off all defensive and annoying, but you two have to talk. Yes I understand you are both utterly stubborn for all your friends dismay, but you can't avoid each other forever. Lu still has his stuffs in the apartment. Your stuffs are still in the apartment and I know the distinction day is soon, so you'll have to come back to move out. You have to be ready for it. Nine years just doesn't disappear like that,"

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, use your time wisely. Travel to other countries. Take a buss to Croatia, see stuffs that wants to make you start something new. Go to, I don't know, England, and really try to blend in there. Come back with a decision that you'll not regret in the future, because Luhan had already made his stupid ass decisions. "

Yifan was in the lawschool for a year before he decided it was enough. He had packed his bag and left to see the world, and came back to start a travel agency. It's been less than nine years Minseok had known him. His words remind him of the extra money in his bank account.

"So that's why you sent me 1000€ to shoo me into the world? " Minseok suggests.

"That's very much the intention, I'm glad you figured it out," Minseok has always knew Yifan was a bit of a sap.

He promises Yifan to think things through and come back with a plan. He hangs up and does the first decision to move forward.

-

Bordeaux is lively in its monochrome shades that Venice wasn't. It rained the whole week he spent there, genuinely excited to see more mid-European architecture and culture. He drinks his first cup of coffee in weeks at a cafe downstairs his hostel and it makes him feel more steady. He hadn't realized Venice was making him fidgety.

He takes photos of The Pont de pierre and Column of the Girondins with his phone and sends them to Jongdae and Jongin and doesn't answer their messages of u know seoul has hanriver and is this venezuela it's pretty. Rain washes the weight off his shoulders and he feels lighter than weeks.

He sends a photo of Place de la Bourse to Luhan. It's midnight when he goes there, the water illuminating the building as its light up for the night. There are kids running around the square as Minseok stands there, letting wind blow his hair wild. He pockets his phone after the messages is sent and doesn't get an answer before the next morning.

 _beautiful , ___it says and nothing more.


	2. sinking so slow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reposted this, since the first time the whole text didn't appear boohoo

The day he told his parents who Luhan really was happened a week after graduation. It was terrifying and he wanted to chicken out but Luhan had been there, a comforting hand on his thight as his parents stares landed on him, judging, brows furrowed. They were sitting around the coffee table, tea served on it with biscuits and sweets. Minseok absently pushes a plate away from his mother's reach.

Then they watched how his mother, always so proud, faked a smile and said why honey, you never told me that before. Then she had stuffed a biscuit in her mouth to stop her lips from shaking. Then his father had stood up and left and Luhan had tried to say something, most likely expressing his love for Minseok which didn't make his mother’s shaking stop. Then she had as kindly as possibly asked Luhan to get out from her house.

He did, but not without Minseok. He had stayed at Luhan's loft for two weeks before his father called and asked him to come back.

Instead of loathing over his parents, those two weeks were the days he felt most loved because of Luhan.

-

He does the math and counts there's 11 days till the distinction day and makes a plan revolving around it. He travels to Paris and takes a train from there to England and doesn't try to blend in like Yifan had.

The second photo he sends to Luhan is of a pigeon eating a piece of bread. Mind you, it's an englishman he adds in. Luhan sends him back a photo of a puppy in his lap. From the corner of the photo he can see the mirror reflecting the room. He was wearing a red hoodie that made him look like an apple.

_mind you NianGao's a shelter dog_

He scrunches his face and almost sends him we're not getting a dog, Lu but remembers there are no we anymore.

The Oxfords Street lights up as he wanders the streets, thinking about dogs and stupid red hoodies. There were Christmas decorations scattered over the windows, thirteen different santa clauses wishing him happy Christmas.

He sees ManU scarf at a tourist shop and goes in to purchase it, just so he could have something with him when Seoul calls him back.

-

Luhan calls him when he's at the Heathrow airport, lining up to check his suitcase. He almost drops his phone in surprise but catches it before it lands on the hard floor. He lets out a yelp that makes the midaged woman turn around to give him a everything's alright honey? He nods, frustrated, and brings the phone to his ear.

"Which one's the one I didn't like, pasta carbonara or bigoli?" Luhan asks before Minseok gets a hi out. He sounds thoughtful, like he was pondering over world domination rather than Italian dishes.

"Bigoli. The fish creeped you out, remember?" he tells him and is rewarded with ooh right ew. He hears Luhan telling his order to a waitress and considers to hang up but Luhan continues.

"I got craving for Italian food, I wonder why," he teases nonchalantly in a way that usually makes Minseok roll his eyes. This time it doesn't.

The line goes silent for a moment.

"Luhan -"  
"Talk when you come back. I'll be waiting for you, you know.. yeah," he finishes, voice deep so Minseok knows he has his lips close on the receiver, talking only for his ears.

"Okay," he manages out and hangs up the phone.

-

Ideally he would have loved to go to Egypt and see the pyramids and the sand but it would have taken more time. He wanted to see as many places as possible in those 11 days, starting from mid Europe and possibly boarding a plane to Seoul from Prague.

Prague was his last destination after Warsaw because of its peaceful scenery. He imagined he would need some peace before seeing Seoul's familiar lights.

He hopes he could visit Egypt as soon as possible and wonders why he and Luhan never had travelled together.

-

He tries to cherish those moments when he feels like starting something new as Yifan had put it, but doesn't see anything that makes his heart flutter. Instead, he sees beautiful creations made my humans and tastes unfamiliar flavors, learns about life in different places and how they differ from his life in Seoul, where everything was perfectly shaped and organized.

He stops carrying around the camera. Instead, he brings his phone with him and takes photos with it. He keeps sending them to Jongdae and Jongin, both of them slowly accepting Minseok's impromptu trips around Europe and demanding souvenirs from every country Minseok visits.

He sends them both postcards from Warsaw and knows they will be received when he's already in Seoul, but that's what makes it fun.

Thinking about Seoul makes his heart tingle, as it's calling him to come back home.

-

There's three risks he has taken for himself. The first one was deciding to major in acting even he knew he would never be an actor, but there was nothing else he really wanted to do. Two roles in musicals had leaded him to become a barista, which was okay, it was fine with a boyfriend whose daily schedule were arrenged between coffee breaks. Coffee beans reminded him of sleepy angel curled boys trying on big guy's shoes and tying ties in tangles.

The second one was deciding Luhan worth of his parents disapproval for the rest of his life, on top of graduating to become jobless.

The third one is running away from Seoul, taking a leap to unknowns and loosing precious pieces to familiar ones.

And between those three he can only see how Luhan is the reason hiding behind all of them.

-

Prague comforts him in a way Venice never really did. He spends a night there and doesn't sleep a wink, instead he walks around the city and doesn't search any of the places visitors must see.

He doesn't take a single photo of Prague but buys three postcards for the guys in the coffeeshop.

In the dim light of the streets, he calls Yifan's own number. He answers in a beat.

"So I took your advice and didn't see anything worth starting something new. Maybe it's exclusively tall people's thing," he skips the hi. Yifan was a busy man with responsibilities and a big company to run. Also it was 8 o'clock in the morning in Seoul.

"Ah I knew it. Shame that you're too short to see the beauty in world,"

"Luhan's short,"

"But he doesn't need to see any beauty when he's already so sure of everything. Are you sure of anything?"

Minseok thinks back to the weeks in Venice when he wasn't sure about anything but mistakes and the Crand Canal's sunsets and kisses that could have been. He thinks back to paperworks and sharing nine years and stupid red hoodies and homeless puppies and ugly sofas with coffee stains all over the cushions and how one of them was actually ripped when Luhan thought getting swords were cool but it was fine, the cushion was turned around. It wasn't like the sofa could get any uglier anyway.

And then he thinks back to college, when Jongin had yelled him down to field and how Luhan had been shining like a newly born star, dotting a checkpoint in Minseok's life and he thinks oh over and over again.

"I'm sure of one thing," Minseok tells him.  
"I'm coming back to Seoul tomorrow."

-

The first thing he sees in Seoul is Jongdae's sleek black BMW outside the airport. Jongdae, dressed in black jeans and college shirt, is leaning against the door and smirks when he spots Minseok's auburn hair in the sea of people. He gives him a hug and lifts his suitcase into the car.

Jongdae urges him tell about his trip as he drives to Seoul from Incheon. Minseok tells him about the pastries in France and the staff boy from Italy who had given him a hug when he had left the hostel.

"Always welcome back," the boy had said to him.

Jongdae updates him about the new family member popping out in several months and Jongin's distress over his new crush who doesn't seem to remember his existence.

"Apparently Sehun calls him Jungho. It's hilarious, really,"

He also tells him Luhan was still in Beijing.

"But he has already packed his stuff, expect some things that he thought you would want. "

As the city lights lighten up their way to Gangnam, Minseok takes a moment to realize it's been over a month. Twinkling lights lead them to a familair parking lot with an empty spot at their space. Seoul doesn't feel as suffocating as it did a month ago.

-

Jongdae helps his stuffs up and leaves quickly for Minseok to rest. He doesn't bother to unpack since it would just complicate tomorrow's work of packing so the apartment would be ready to get rented out.

The apartments is mainly full of his stuffs, some of the kitchenware sorted out on the table. All what's left are wine glasses and a couple of plates. He hadn't realized all the coffeemugs were Luhan's and absently wonders how he's going to drink his morning coffee tomorrow. At least the moccamaster was there, even though they had bought it together.

He pours water into a wine glass and starts to gather up his stuffs, first emptying the shelves and continuing to clothes. He packs his books and other unbreakable things into two cardboard boxes and separates the fragile stuffs to another one. Luhan had taken the swords from the wall. They had left an awkward sword-shaped stains on it.

He wonders what to do with their furniture and figures he'll find a way to deal with them, just like he'll find a place to stay for the time being after the distinction day was over. He had two days left and no plans other than packing all his belongings as fast as possibly and getting out of the apartment in time.

He falls asleep on the floor when sun replaces street lamp's light, buried in his clothes on the ugly yellow sofa.

-

Jongin comes to help him after his dance production's practise. There's a buzz of unspoken tension on his shoulders when Minseok opens the door to let him in, still jet lagged and sore from the angle he had slept. He lets Jongin to pack his clothes and goes to wrap the kitchenwares in safety bubbles himself.

"How was the practise?" he asks after Jongin angrily throws his t-shirts into the box.  
”Fine," he says in a way that's not fine. Minseok wraps the rest of the plates and packs them carefully into a plastic box. Then he pours a glassful of coffee to himself. It was five o'clock in the afternoon and he felt like dying but a hyung's got to do what a hyung's got to do, so he sits down on the sofa and casually tells Jongin that Jungho was a legit name. Jongin throws a pair of joggers at his face. They were Luhan's.

"He called me Jinho today. It's just, he doesn't even try to remember it. He's so rude and full of himself, like fucking wake up, it's a two main lead production, not a solo but nooo, he just can't get off the high horse to remember his partner's fucking name. "

Jongin is adorable but Minseok doesn't say it aloud. He pats Jongin to sit next to him and offers the leftovers of his kimchi dumplings. Jongin takes one and chews on it while listening Minseok's suggestions to Sehun's stubbornness.

"He'll warm up to you, you're a good kid," he comforts before getting up and back to packing. He emptied the refrigerator's content which were five bottles of beers and a pack of old tofu. He throws the tofu away and opens two beers and hands the other one to Jongin.

The alcohol does cheer Jongin up unlike Minseok's words and they pack with more laughter. Jongin shows off some of the moves, pirouetting across the ghostly empty apartment and almost trips over the bathroom mat.

He leaves when most of the stuffs are packed, hailing a cab in the middle of the dead night back to his own loft in Myeong-dong. All that's left were clothes Minseok would change in later and a wineglass on the table.

It's eerie in the apartment when everything's packed and gone. He gets up and falls on the bed with normal sheets and wishes the night to fade away quicker so he could get away from everything he went Venice for.

-

He thinks he's dreaming when he sees a bundle of golden locks next to his pillow. He touches the hair and Luhan opens his eyes and takes his hand in his, fully awake and beautiful.

"I thought you'd be living in Europe's time," he says quietly when Minseok closes his eyes again, still mostly asleep. He lets Luhan to press a light kiss on his hand before tugging it back, too sleepy to have a proper brain function.

"I'm living my timezone," he makes himself say just to prove a point he doesn't know. A small voice tells him it's Jongdae teasing him. A bigger voice tells him to go back to sleep.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you pack," is the last thing he comprehends before falling back to the welcoming dreams.

-

Luhan's sleeping next to him when he wakes up in the afternoon. He's wearing a crisp white collar shirt, the navy blue tie half loosened on his neck and hair tousled on top of his head.

He lifts himself up from the bed and takes a good look of Luhan's face. It didn't feel like he had aged, and Minseok doesn't know why he had to make sure there's no extra wrinkles on Luhan's face. Maybe a six weeks didn't feel like four years to Luhan.

The blond sighs in his sleep and Minseok carefully gets up. The paperworks were already set on the coffee table, Luhan's suit jacket hanging on the sofa's arm rest and his leather shoes tucked next to it.

He's making coffee when Luhan wakes up. It's nine o'clock and he looks like a lost boy when he gets up. Minseok hands him a wineglass and he smiles at him and it feels like any normal day, expect there hasn't been normal days in weeks now.

"Still jet lagged?" he asks Minseok when he yawns. The white collar shirt's wrinkled from sheets and Minseok almost reaches out to tie his tie. He humms to agree, not trusting his voice.

"Sorry if I woke you up. I thought I could make it to help you pack,"

"Is that why you're here? I could have mailed your stuff to Beijing,"

Luhan grimaces. The morning sky lights up behind his back and Minseok can't see his face properly, but he reaches to put the empty glass on the coffee table. Then he sits back on the bed and Minseok sits on the sofa and they look at each other or at the space between them. Then Minseok decides he doesn't want to know why Luhan was back because it would be a mistake all over again and he had already made his decision. He opens his mouth before Luhan gets an answer out.

"Luhan, I've been thinking lately, a lot. And I've seen a lot of different things lately too, and they have been some of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. So, I'm not apologizing for you know, running away like Jongin calls it. I just, I don't, know? I've always felt like there have to be something more and then I went to find it and then Yifan tells me to really, really fucking find it and it's still hidden from me but at least I realized I've always wanted to visit Egypt, Lu. And I also realized that we've never travelled together. And I can't wrap my head together to the fact that we're never going to and Lu, you're an awfully big part of my life, like nine years are so fucking long and now I have to get my own library card beause your card is going to be chinese now and I can't use it in Korea. I can't fucking use it. And when I think of continuing to ten years, hell, to all years I have left and I realize that it's not continuing because it's already gone and you didn't even try to save it. I just, Luhan, really really fucking really am a big bundle of memories now, am I."

Luhan's face is unreadable as he listens to Minseok's words, his voice slightly trembling and his hands tapping and poking the armrest. Luhan's brows are furrowed and he doesn't look at Minseok which makes Minseok feel horrible because all he's seeing is Luhan not seeing him. To calm his racing pulse, he gets up to his suitcase and grabs the ManU scarf from it. He walks in front of Luhan, so he has to look up, and hands him the scarf.

"I wanted to give you something," he says when Luhan takes the scraf and makes sure to not touch his hand. He smiles and gather the scarf to a pile on his lap. Then he gets up too and Minseok has to step back because he still wants, and will forever want Luhan and he feels stupid to try to fall out of love when love is already so deeply embedded in Luhan. The regret and mistakes pains him when Luhan doesn't smile as he looks at him.

"So what are you saying now? You want to get back together?" he starts to say, clear and slow.

"I had no idea where you went, no idea how to even try to not let you go when you've gone M.I.A on everyone. I thought you wanted to get away from me,"  
"I thought you wanted to go away, I thought that was something you wanted to do. I thought you wanted distance from me, so I wanted to make it easier for you. And now that I've teared apart the life I had build around you and build a new one distancing you, you want to get back?"  
"I love you, so much. But you chose going the fuck away instead of talking to me. "

He's not angry like Minseok had imagined he would be, it's worse. He's disappointed and it's worse because Minseok could take angry and hatred, could live with knowing Luhan would rather move to another land than to see his face. Disappointed means there's hope and hope means stupid wishful thinking that Minseok had killed in Luhan's mind from the start. Six weeks meant a new start to him, when to Minseok it was filled with wishful hope. Six weeks were his time to wake up and see, when Luhan has always seen it all. He looks so damn tired and worn and Minseok feels more than apologic. That's not even start of the bundling regret bulding inside him.

Luhan laughs, humorless and runs a hand through his curly hair. He looked wild, like he always did when he let his hair curl on top his head and Minseok loved how it made him look like a kid in big guy's clothes, saying big words and working with law.

"I thought you wanted to leave me, this whole place, I fucking thought you ... " he repeats it like a mantra and goes crazy with his hands, puts then behind his neck and runs them up back to his hair.

" I thought I wanted that too," Minseok says and it hurts less when he looks at Luhan and he's looking at him too.

Then he steps up and takes Minseok's hands to his, foreheads almost touching and they inhale the same time. He takes Minseok's hands up and presses the slightest kiss on his knuckles and Minseok sees in his eyes how it's not going to work. They have always been clear like crystal, open for people to drown into.

He thinks about kissing him when he releases his hand, but fears the possible rejection too much. Not wanting him to go, he reaches to tie his tie. Luhan lets him and doesn't step back when he's done. They stay like that for the longest time, until Luhan sighs and Minseok knows it's really ending now.

"I came here for work related things and needed a place to crash for a night. I have a new start in Beijing now. A company to run. A puppy in my office right now, and if Yixing hadn't feed him by now, you'll most definitely own me a puppy, " and it makes Minseok chuckle how miserable he was but still hopeful, always so fucking hopeful around Luhan.

"You should probably go then," he says and lightly pushes Luhan away. He takes the fallen scarf frm the floor and goes to put his suit jacket on. He drapes the scarf around his neck and looks so much like a kid who Minseok had seen on that football field, expect with more fallen expression than he has ever seen. He laces his leather shoes on instead of neon orange training shoes and straightens up.

Minseok thinks about farewells and how they usually should end up and he's sure this wasn't one he wanted or hoped for. He wants to say more, like I'm sorry I regret I can't believe this is happening and I love you so much this is my mistake but can't get any words out when Luhan walks to the door, back to him. He doesn't turn around and opens the door and just like that, he was out of Minseok's life.


End file.
